God grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change.
Ok so I’m not an alcoholic or in any kind of 12 step programme but I do know know the serenity prayer and how it can be applied to everyday life particularly when you need to let go of so much that is out of your control.
So lately my health has not been in my control with cancer numbers going up slightly and that’s not a good sign and an HVP infection of the Cervix and it’s gone from low grade to possible high grade over a period of only a few months.
I had a lot of stress and was abused in the previous living situation. I posted some poetry about this in my previous post. The stress of that surely would affect my mental, emotional and physical health not to mention my immune system.
If I was to add on the long list of what I don’t like or want and don’t have control over right now then I would just get anxious and you dear reader may get anxious too so I won’t do that but I will say that I have been battling depression and been very angry and irritable a lot lately and handling it with walks, counselling, journaling and gentle yoga even during a lockdown here in Sydney that we’ve been in since late June. This helps but I really thought I knew more and had more control and certainty. My intuition can be onto it but not always in a good way.
I’ll give you an example. In my last house I got a lot of strange chest pain a for a bit before I was given notice and then some other things happened and an incident occurred resulting in me requiring police assistance. I knew it wasn’t heart related per-say as I have known anxiety well but breathing deeply wasn’t helping it go and my head felt clear enough so I wondered if from a spiritual point of view that something was up. Well maybe it was my heart chakra? I’m big on that stuff given how well much it’s helped me. You know energy work like reiki and kinesiology etc. And my heart felt like it was being attacked ? Am I making sense here?
Well I wasn’t wrong and I got the heart discomfort before a phone call about my latest blood work and the night before third and most recent gyno appointment!
So I feel like I can trust my intuition even if I don’t like what it’s showing me but I have to accept what’s coming through from a place of love and gratitude but sometimes the anger and frustration and sadness is going to come up and that’s been harder to accept over the years as it often triggers me to childhood abuse and a person I used to be, the glass half empty, suicidal type. She struggled in a world so black and white or was it grey clouds hanging around, an abundance of them lingering?
I processed and cried plenty in my teens and 20’s then my health battles in my 30’s and early 40’s. I have had many great times, manifesting travel, moving overseas and more but it was hard work and I’m tired! Self help and self care is not easy!
I’m at a point now that where I feel like my health is improving on all levels but the medical profession can’t see this in their blood tests and try to get me to increase the medications. I got more side effects already and remedied this with acupuncture, kinesiology and physio !
I never truely accepted the medications I am on truth be told and that maybe they could help because I’ve had so many short and long term side effects from them but a lot of complementary health care has managed to stop it being worse. I have just reluctantly taken them angrily over the years because it’s a catch 22 with my insurance claim payments that I follow Doctors orders but that’s not my style. I was raised by a naturopath! I wanted to be like Louise Hay and heal myself naturally but that is not part of my journey.
These medications are not natural and likely tested on animals and I have to accept that. It’s harder to accept as I’m vegan. They are one part of the puzzle to the full picture of health. They are a big one though and I wish there was a more natural way.
My immune system is amazing and works overtime trying to detox from meds, clearing any incoming infection not to mention the HVP. There’s abnormal cells so I’m being seen again in few months. It’s a reminder of 2014 when I had a painful left ovarian cyst with severe endometriosis spreading from uterus to bowel and bladder. I had minor surgery that year. I also had a stem cell transplant and loads of chemo that same year. Full on. I know this is different, but there’s triggers there. Cervical cancer is much easier to treat and that may not be the case but if the infection isn’t clearing naturally there’s help I hope. I do prefer to prevent extra issues. That’s healthier but I have had to negotiate with my health care professionals and be flexible. Intuition helps. To their credit they have been understanding but I should remind them to put themselves in my shoes. I would for them.
Anyway I have done a lot more accepting and letting go here in my safe and healthy new home, more than I think I have ever done. It’s about trust. The more I trust, the easier it gets. I didn’t actually get too upset over the gyno news yesterday like I used to. I’m finally getting there.
Lastly I’d like to say that the photo for this post was taken just before a storm yesterday. I saw the beauty in it as I knew it was temporary. Reminds me of my health issues, it is temporary but a long temporary but it is what it is. Thank you for stopping by. Until next time.
*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*
The Everyday Spiritualist 