Letting go of 2023



Okay so what things do I have to let go of this year?

Well there’s a lot but it’s kind of some of the same old patterns that I had been struggling to release like forgiving myself when I feel frustrated or annoyed where I feel like I’m coming from ego and I feel reactive, just being okay with my weight which is just overweight in a few areas stomach thighs butt, hello middle-age spread but also accepting that it is harder when you’ve gone through early menopause or menopause at any time and also with the medication that I have been on.

Dexamethasone is known to make you hungry and you do get bit more bloated in certain areas plus my age 44 so that’s a bit of a mountain to climb plus you know I do enjoy food and yes I do like sugar but I’m pretty good at having more non refined sugar and sometimes I have too much fat but I’m vegan and I don’t have a desire to do excessive amounts of exercise but I’m active enough mostly walking and yoga so trying to do it the way everyone else says it it doesn’t work for me.

It was about self acceptance and I’m only about 7 KG ( you can convert that to pounds !) off what I want to be anyway so if it drops off it does if it doesn’t it doesn’t.

I can love and accept myself at my weight, I’m not diabetic, I’m not obese, I’m not anorexic. I go up and down a little bit and use hypnosis and acupressure as a tool help but it better to accept your weight if it’s not endangering your health then just leave it and it took a long time to do that.

Also letting go of becoming a Reiki master and tried to put on spiritual event that didn’t work out (something came up we had to cancel it but it is what it is and so many planets were retrograde so it was a sign) but knowing that trying that is good and I can still use the reiki and I’m still going to mentor people.

I am helping people I just don’t have as many clients as I want

It’s not as successful at the moment but instead of focusing on the negative I’m focusing on the positive, the challenge to let go of that basically expectations!

Like I did so many new things this year and I’m very proud of myself. I stepped out of my comfort zone went out more socially, dating again, it doesn’t matter that I’m still single.

At least I made a few new friends, released so many things and connections that weren’t working. A lot of shadow work, visited family in New Zealand and I’m going back to New Zealand in a few of weeks.

I haven’t been blogging or podcasting as much as I want but I feel like I will if it feels okay I feel like there’s enough good content here people.

Just managing my energy better, not putting out what content I think people want or need and then compromising who I am because I would prefer to be I’m coming from a space of love and gratitude.

Sometimes I do get frustrated, I’m human but it’s going to clear so vibrating as high as possible, to let go of the high expectations that I put on myself. I expect myself to do better because I know so much about how to use the mind, body and soul in positive ways.

Esoteric tools for energy work, yoga, breath work, positive affirmations.

I know so much and I used so much over the last around 24 years but now it’s about doing a lot of little things, modifying and tweaking them and I’ve been doing a lot of hypnotherapy again but letting go of timeframes and expectations for when things will happen because if you can feel it energetically and you know it’s happening.

I’ve had it come true so many times for instance when we feel like are moving on with friendship or we can see ourselves somewhere we’ve haven’t been before.

Like when I went overseas in 2012 with my friend while we were planning and saving up money we were doing a Mediterranean trans Atlantic cruise then we added in the East Coast of the USA and some of Canada.

Prior to us adding that in I have was having visions that I was in Canada and never been there and then we added it shortly after!

Also little things like it’s nice if you can be open and meditate a lot and pick up on it and don’t give up but allow yourself to be open to possibilities and be okay with timeframes, being quite different to what we think as physical beings and understanding that if we’re in a place that deep down doesn’t believe in miracles that either, it’s not going to happen it’s been pushed forward but I do believe in divine timing.

Until next time have a beautiful rest of November, it’s a full moon in Gemini today so it’s a good time to release and let go what you don’t need, you’ve learnt the lessons from it and have a great Christmas and New Year’s where you maybe in the world and I will post when I post

Love and light blessings, Jazz.

Anxious ?

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

What is anxiety? I can only speak from my experience, but I can say that it is a nervousness often in the heart chakra that those who are very sensitive tend to feel to the point where it can be very debilitating.

What triggers it? There can be a number of causes from traumatic memories which trigger the flight or flight mode.

The pandemic even had people quite spiritual like me in a lot of a fear cycle on a loop.

I went backwards a lot before I realised what was happening. I did have to protect myself though I limited myself more than I realised.

The thing about anxiety is that it can be challenging, knowing whether it’s just your mind, ego freaking out because you are stepping out of your comfort zone and it wants to protect you or maybe you were getting a bad gut feeling about something, someone and that’s where you need to pay attention to it.

Can you tell the difference and manage anxiety ?

First of all I recommend attempting to try to step out of your comfort zone and remembering that you cannot lose anything that isn’t for your highest good.

I have found that rising above to love and gratitude so a higher frequency is the only way.

I do believe we are on the cusp of the age of Aquarius ♒️ so that’s humanitarianism but we are in the age of Pisces ♓️ which is about healing and self love.

People are speaking up more.

They are helping people in ways that I never thought I would see, but I’m so happy to see.

The younger generation impress me so much in this regard using social media to help people even just spreading awareness.

So with all that in mind here’s a few tips

1. What I do like to do is close my eyes and try to meditate into gratitude. One way of doing this is to breathe into your heart chakra and feel that gratitude for someone or something or an experience that you’ve had where you were, so grateful that you had that experience.

Keep that in mind and let go of the past experience and keep the energy that you feel and you will start to feel better.

It takes practice but trying to do that at the beginning of every day I highly recommend if you’re waking up feeling anxious or tired.

2. Affirmations. There’s an abundance of guided affirmations on YouTube. I recommend checking out Bob Baker or Louise Hay. Listening and repeating positive affirmations daily for at least three weeks will help lift your vibration and bring more positivity into your life. I particularly like this affirmation “ I look for the good and find it everywhere”

3. Breathwork and meditation. I recommend checking out the free insight timer app there is a lot there. The breath is the best way to calm yourself and become more present.

4. I’m not a therapist or Doctor as you know, but some people can benefit from seeing a professional and medication though in my personal view we are over medicating, I’ve been there myself and I believe it should only be temporary and in very severe circumstances where maybe you can’t leave the house.

I would also like to add that usually it’s the empaths that get this anxiety more and need to set better energetic boundaries with those in their close circle who might be draining them.

I do know that full and new moons can be an intense time for many emotionally.

Energetically, shielding yourself helps before you go out. Cord cutting after you’ve been out helps a lot too.

Some days you need a lot of it!

And the biggest thing that I could share that can help for those of you who believe in the existence of our spirit is a beautiful quote from a pranic teacher “ I am not the body, I am not the mind, I am not the emotions, I am the spirit”

I remind myself this whenever I get stuck in my head over analysing justifying, getting angry with myself, or others for not being my best self or when I’m tired and emotional and it brings me back into the present, remembering if we are all just energy and the body is the vehicle that the body is just a communication and feeling tool which is incredible, and the mind simply needs to follow the guidance of the higher self of the spirit which is what happens a lot more easily when we meditate and let go and let god/spirit channel through us.

Always remember when you are talking to your guides, spirits to be clear that you only want positive energy there. Otherwise you might let them something negative and that’s so important if you are going to do that kind of thing.

Love and light until next time.

Under Attack?

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Often in spiritual circles, it is recommended to protect your energy with shields.

This is all great and well and I do it on a regular basis, but for some of us when we think of shielding, we think of protecting ourselves as if we are about to go out into battle.

I don’t know about you, but for me sometimes when I’m protecting myself with energetic shields, I feel like there’s something to be feared and something to protect myself from.

Recently a friend of mine was teaching her young son about shielding, but she explained it in a way that is so beautiful and simple.

She told him to imagine an energy bubble around him so I would encourage you to do the same thing and I’m now doing it that way too.

This is how you do it.

Take a deep breath in through your nose and then out through your mouth to centre yourself, close your eyes and imagine a beautiful circle of white yellow or pink light, even green or blue, whatever colour you need will come to you in that moment emanating from your heart chakra. Only light and positive colours. Not darkness!

Imagine this colourful light spreading through your entire body all the way up to the top of your head down to your toes and expanding to cover you in a protective bubble.

You could even add some affirmations onto this or a request to your guides such as “ may I be protected, and only good can come to me and through me”

This is something you could do as a daily practice or whenever you’re feeling a bit more emotionally and spiritually vulnerable particularly during full moons and eclipse season.

Until next time light and love to you all .

Healing ❤️‍🩹

I’m happy to announce that I am a fully certified Reiki Master and I offer distance Reiki sessions, combined with card readings, crystal healing and intuitive mentoring. It’s my unique style and it is currently available on a donation basis.

Contact me at 📧 jasmine.langdonentrepreneur@gmail.com to arrange a free no obligation consultation. 🙏🏻💕

I’m also giving the curvy model over 40 thing ago one more try.

I updated my portfolio with more professional photos and have some applications into modelling agencies. Of course there’s always freelance via The Right Fit app and we will see what happens. I’m very happy with the photos.

Open to genuine collaborations. Please email 📧 me.

Until next time, love and light to you all.

The Photo Studio Glebe 1 June 2023

The Photo Studio Glebe 1 June 2023

How Yoga Nidra Changed My Life

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

So what is Yoga Nidra?

Well the short version is that it is yoga sleep, a form of meditation, where you lie down on your bed or a yoga mat and use your conscious mind to direct attention to many parts of your body.

There’s often an intention that you set at the beginning and end of the session which is a positive statement for what you may want to manifest in your life, or just for this session. It’s also called a Sankalpa

There are many benefits to this kind of practice, and I only discovered it a couple of years ago, though I’m very familiar with yoga.

You can use it for so many things ranging from boosting your energy, calming and grounding yourself and going to sleep or going back to sleep.

If you are sleep deprived for any reason doing under an hour of yoga nidra practice can make up for that so I highly encourage you to check it out if you are a busy person, but you can still allocate time for this on a regular basis.

When I first discovered yoga nidra, I think it was back in 2020.

I only used it to help me get back to sleep or fall asleep because my mind would race and I was in a very anxious state due to my physical health and my mental health wasn’t as great as I had realised due to various triggers in my previous living situation.

I stopped using it for quite sometime then I re discovered it again and I firmly believe that you find what you need when you need it.

I feel a pull to use it regularly and I have noticed if I use it daily or most days sometimes more than once a day that I’m calmer, more relaxed and I have more energy.

It’s become a part of my regular practice.

Now I know that not everyone has time to go on YouTube or other apps and add these practices into their routines but once you have used one or two of them a couple of times it’s quite easy to train yourself to guide your mind on a journey of your body, so that it’s not stuck on past thoughts and future thoughts and sometimes that’s all you need.

If you wake up in the middle of the night you can suddenly focus on your eyes, your throat, your chest etc and it slows you down and relax with you and you fall back asleep.

To make life easier for you all I have made my yoga nidra playlists public on YouTube.

This one is for daytime, or when you intend on waking up after.

And this one is if you are going to sleep immediately after or you need to get back to sleep if you’ve awoken for some reason.

There are lots out there on YouTube and in my experience, I have found Ally Bothroyd to be the best. Note no one is paying me to say that, this is just my personal experience.

I hope this is helpful, especially during the holiday season when many of us are stressed.

I myself have decided not to travel interstate or overseas not just because of the financial cost as it has gone up quite a bit due to the pandemic, but I decided to keep it quiet. I will do video calls and catch up with people more in January instead.

Perhaps next year will be busier, I will be healthier and in an even better financial position?

I live in a beautiful place, in a beautiful city, and a beautiful country and things are improving for me. This is not luck, but I am very grateful.

Sending you blessings and love and light until next time Jazz.

📸 A recent selfie taken at Brighton Le Sands, one of the many beautiful beaches here in Sydney. I hope the negative ions come through to you via the photo for those of you in the northern hemisphere who are in winter. Xox

Interview

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

This is something a little bit different but I decided I would like to share it with you or an interview that I did with the Sociology Group.

I hope you enjoy it. Until next time, blessings, Jazz.

In Hiding

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

In my previous place I found that the person that I lived with was very much opposed to spiritualism.

This confused me a lot due to their previous spiritual and religious beliefs and conversations that we had.

After I noticed a few of their mental health issues and lifestyle choices, I made my assessments which were correct as it turned out and I needed to focus on my overall health; mental, physical and spiritual.

This meant that I had no option but to not discuss certain things with them and so I would hide certain parts of myself in the home.

If I wanted to discuss things with my friends or family that pertained to anything remotely spiritual which also included Reiki and healing modalities like that then I had to make sure that I put my headphones in or I talked quietly or I waited until they were out or while I was out myself.

I was triggered by their judgement. It hurt.

I couldn’t be myself is what I’m getting at but this is part of protecting myself and safety and in the previous place I lived in prior I also had to hide that a bit but in saying that I somewhat lived alone and I could wear my crystals, do my yoga more freely, things like that.

It’s ridiculous!

It got worse as soon as I started to show more of who I was but I would not engage in arguments.

I now know that I was living with a narcissist and I know that they don’t like it when you ignore them with good reason to protect yourself but they will do things like punish you by ignoring you and holding grudges and I remember the amount of times this person punished me with silence and and certain childish behaviours.

That’s all in the past but it does help me to know how strong I am spiritually, emotionally.

I want to speak up about this!

If you’re not sure if you’re living with someone who’s a narcissistic maybe this post can help?

Living with an alcoholic (not in recovery) is enough on its own without adding on two mental health issues, one of which I don’t even know if this person will ever be diagnosed with.

And I haven’t mentioned this person’s name and I would never do that and I would never mention the name of the their family members or friends. No need for that!

I don’t know or care if they read this blog and what they think and I have no grudges against them although I do have some anger and frustration come out at times understandably!

I forgive myself!

I lived with them for less than two years but bloody hell that triggered so much from my abusive Father and I’m proud of myself for getting out of it. I’m stronger for it.

The point of this blog post is to talk about not hiding parts of yourself because you lose your energy using use all your power hiding mentally, emotionally and spiritually and it’s necessary sometimes but if you also have physical health issues on top of that doesn’t matter what they are then you may be adding to that and making it worse.

And add on lockdowns and the fear of Covid!

Don’t hide who you are! It doesn’t matter if you’re into reiki, crystals and ghosts! Who gives a shit!

If you’re not hurting anyone then why should it matter?

There will always be people in the world who think they know best and are the smarter and more educated than you and that if you just did it their way then everything would be better for you. They say they listen but they don’t hear you!

They will try to blame some of their problems and their issues on you and they won’t know see clearly as they self medicate with drugs.

And they are hypocrites and I have known people like that before and they are no longer in my life. This person was the worst yet !

Are you going to take health advice from someone who poisons their body with alcohol cigarettes and drugs? I think not!

I know it’s important to consider other peoples feelings and to be empathic and to be diplomatic but not at the rate of losing parts of yourself. Be “weird”, be you!

Until next time love Jazz

Freedom! (Well kind of…)

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Hi all, yes I’m blogging a lot lately! I hope you are doing as well as you possibly can!

So originally I was going to do this blog post about the little things and how they can help regardless of who you are and your situation.

I’m still going to focus on what little things can you know make life better but I’m going to also talk a little bit about the new freedoms here in NSW in our extended lockdown.

So we’ve been in lockdown since late June. If you are fully vaccinated then as of tomorrow 11 October which are many are calling freedom day you will be awarded a lot more freedoms whilst people who are only half vaccinated or not vaccinated at all will stay under the same rules that we’ve been under for while now.

To be clear if you are medically exempt due to certain conditions or you’ve had side-effects from the vaccine like my best friends Mother did (she had a heart attack and ended up in hospital for the night!) then you need to carry a letter from your doctor around and you are okay to enjoy some freedoms.

Naturally this is dividing people and I genuinely care about those who choose not to get the vaccine. Come early December we are all supposed to have a bit more freedom but will see what happens because maybe this is too soon given the case numbers.

To be honest I’m being cautious and I’m not going to go overboard.

I wouldn’t do that anyway in my condition but I did research a little bit and I have organised to catch up with friends closer to the end of the month and maybe I’ll go to my favourite beach. The 5 km (3-4 miles) radius restriction only applies to half and non-vaccinated people. I double checked.

Travel is supposed to be on the cards from November including to the USA but that doesn’t include New Zealand which is where I was supposed to go mid December.

Of course the New Zealand government will provide an update at some point next month. We’ll just see what happens and so the additional freedoms are great. That means I can go to a cafe, shop in person etc and no masks outdoors. That one can’t be policed properly can it?

Honestly it was so hard trying to breath yesterday with that mask on as the weather gets warmer especially when it’s humid and it can make you anxious so even just that is enough for me.

Even if I wasn’t ill, I’m more introverted than some and I’m in my 40s so it’s okay but the extroverts’ and the much younger people who love to go to pubs, are they going to mess up this lockdown by going crazy?

I guess we just have to see but what happens and that made me think of the little things that can make life better, easier when it’s hard and I’ve always been grateful for those things which I will list here in a moment.

When we think too much about what we don’t have and what we can’t do for various reasons whether it be lockdown, health, financial reasons or all of the above then we can get stuck and we can end up more anxious and depressed.

So for those who are in lockdown for instance especially in Victoria here in Australia with rises in case numbers again, they’ve been through a lot, what are the little things that can make your life better and keep your vibe up?

For me the other day it was going to Sydney Park for the first time. It’s so beautiful there and there is so much it’s not just a park there’s also a water feature, wetlands and ducks! I love ducks! It reminds me of a couple of the good things from my childhood with a duck that we rescued when I was young. There’s just this emotional attachment! I turn into a little kid when I see them! They’re so cute!

There’s of course dog parks and watching people walk their dogs can be so lovely and uplifting. I went to a local shop the other day called Stacks Of Wax and I bought myself a peppermint oil soy based candle. Lighting that and burning it, the smell in my room was so beautiful and peppermint is very uplifting and good for headaches as well if you put the oil itself just on your temples.

Trees and blue sky and fresh air is always nice and there’s often an abundance of that. Sometimes a bit of light rain is nice to walk in!

Fresh clean water! This is something that we forget to be grateful for and is so important for your mental and physical health!

Journaling is great whether by hand or on your device. Get out what you like about your life or the opposite like you are purging! Reading a book, going for a walk, gentle yoga in bed and meditating. These little things actually help you a lot more than you realise and I think that one can do a lot when you have restrictions and limitations.

I could list of a lot more things in this post but I think you get the idea that even with restrictions are a few little things that you can do that can help you feel better. I speak from experience!

Until next time, blessings to you dear readers. Jazz xoxo

Reiki Junkie!

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

I’ve always been into complementary medicine, it’s how I was raised but for some reason I had never looked into Reiki until fairly recently. It’s an ancient Japanese style of healing. Reiki means life force.

The only time I had any exposure to it was at a spiritual fair. I had a short free session. I could literally feel energy moving around me and I felt happier after!

This time I honestly don’t remember what led me to find Distance reiki on You Tube though I do play a lot of chakra balancing meditations, breath work and self hypnosis videos so likely it came up in my recommendations. I did google a little too!

I know it’s energy work and it’s non touch and harmless so at least it will be relaxing!

Well as you know I have a lot of time on my hands for healing and with the pandemic too so I have played many videos for various issues pertaining to my physical and mental health.

I have to say I feel a little more in control of my life when I have a session and often more energetic after. I have played reiki with and without music and with ASMR which is a more interactive by proxy session. There’s a great community here and lovely comments. It’s extremely uplifting.

I decided to book a personalised session with Reiki with Anna and provided some information and paid a reasonable fee. I was so impressed with the video she made me and have used it several times. I always feel lighter after.

I use reiki daily now to help me heal better whilst I sleep. I send links to my best friend who are also into energy healing. I cannot recommend it enough! I do of course need to mention you need to keep hydrated with energy work. Aim to have at least one glass after a session unless it’s a sleep one. I always have a bottle of water near my bed for health reasons anyway.

I say I’m a reiki junkie but it’s a good thing! It often combines my love of crystals and the supernatural so that’s a bonus.

For those who perhaps can’t afford acupuncture or kinesiology and are chronically ill or simply endeavour to have a better life, quality sleep as long as you have a data or decent wifi connection and a device with you tube on it then this could possibly positively benefit you!

I have several reiki practitioners I follow on you tube. Below are the links to their channels. Thank you again for stopping by, love and light to you all. Jazz.

Reiki Healing Hope Becky D Reiki ASMR Blended Insight Edyiasmr Empowered Crystals Sunny Fridjonsdottir The Lune Innate Sarah Louise Tilsley Rest Relaxation Reiki Divine White Light Reiki With Anna Whispers Of The Wolf ASMR

Domestic/Interpersonal Violence

* Disclaimer: trigger warning. This post deals with domestic violence and intimidation. If you are in immediate danger please call your country’s emergency number (000 in Australia) *

Hi all, I apologize for not blogging more frequently. I’ve had a lot on not just with my health but an unexpected house move during a currently very long Sydney lockdown with more than 1200 new covid cases reported each day and my housemate who I knew was an alcoholic turned nasty. I can see all the signs now in hindsight and am getting counseling but I accept this was meant to happen. I had wanted to move for awhile but I didn’t have anywhere to go until it was forced upon me.

One of the ways I process is through writing poetry. No I’m not trained or have a degree.

I believe in free form and letting it flow. I also hope my words help anyone who is in a violent/emotionally abusive situation to get out or help them heal.

After all the self help work I did on myself for over 20 years and my very challenging childhood I could not believe I would attract this type of person into my life.

I learnt alot from him, not all good. I learnt that I don’t need to take shit just because I have cancer and I’m more introverted, quirky. I actually like myself.

This first poem takes you through some or what happened in early August in my former home.

“Monster”

He hit me with vile words

He tried to bully and intimidate me

Insults followed me around the space we shared

He’s losing it I thought

I tried to calmly speak up for myself but it only fueled his rage more

I had to stay awake, he wanted to abuse me more but to him he was just sharing wisdom and support but I’m too stupid and uneducated to get it

I can’t believe this is happening

Only a few hours ago you called me a friend

Blocking me from going to bed

I recall his martial arts training and try not to let this get into my head

It’s after 4am

He’s been going on and on for hours. Hyper

You can’t sleep he says he must get out all of this from his head.

Insults left and right, shut up you are not right

Did not want me to speak

I have to be careful, how do I get to my room, my haven. He follows me

I ask for permission to pee, to sleep

Follows me to my room, no boundaries anymore

Says hateful things, makes me wonder when he’ll hit me

I’m not fully conscious anymore but detached, survival mode

I’m only allowed to say yes but I won’t get depressed, I’m tough

I have my phone on voice memo and hit record. I know I need proof of his insanity

He says don’t call the cops yet. I play his game and say I won’t

I have asked for sleep for over an hour now or longer, I don’t remember. I try to close my eyes and he says not to pretend to sleep. I say I’m tired

He doesn’t care, I wonder if he ever did

He’s told me I don’t know him and what he’s capable of

Who is this monster inhabiting this Man’s body, consuming his soul with hate?

Finally he is outside the haven I have lovingly created over these past 2 years. I see my chance and I close and lock myself in

Finally I have some control. He continues to yell and scream. An insane man, I do not know him

His plans for me I do not want, I would rather die

He says he has the key to the lock. I don’t panic, I sense he is lying

He says no I don’t have a key, it’s fine. I am not responding as much

My face hidden how can he know if I’m awake or asleep

I call for help. I don’t know how to stop him. He won’t listen

I panic, I’m shaking and I’m describing the scene, feeling like part of myself is hovering outside of me

They need to know what service I need

Police

He gets angry and says he will call the police and get me out tonight, he rants and raves like a Man possessed, not right in the head

My illness is his inconvenience, he doesn’t want me to burden anyone else

I’ve ruined it all for him, his kin, he’s furious and his offer of help is gone

He calms down so finally I scream and yell at him from locked safety of my haven that he is sick, not to talk to me like that and of the agreement we signed for me to co exist in peace here

He doesn’t care

I’m livid, I have nothing to lose, I won’t take this abuse now I can get a word in and help is coming

He says he’s his normal self now and he had to yell at me because I was not listening

I remind him the police are coming

He calls them too from downstairs and sounds confused like he doesn’t know what to do

I ignore him but I suddenly worry he will charm them, he’s very intelligent but so am I and I am right

But wait the monster didn’t hit me, didn’t rape me but I know I’m right

I’m sure I’m right, fuck I’m tired

I don’t deserve this

I call again to ask if they are still coming when he called too. They affirm yes they will and they do

A weight starts to lift when I hear the firm knock on the door, I hear a crazy confused Man talking, ranting and not making sense

Officers come to my rescue, their beautiful energy and compassion and strength overwhelm me with a feeling of love

I’m so grateful

They listen and take notes

I think yes we need the police. I play them a little of the audio

They have enough proof

They assess the monster Man downstairs

They say he’s clearly mentally ill

I overhear him saying irrelevant things, putting me out, asking me to move out now. He is confused and making it worse for himself

He wants to fix it with clever words. I hear him asking to speak to me

Access is denied. I’m protected

He is someone else now, changed from a Man into a Monster

I am in survival mode, hiding from a monster

They remove him for now but I can’t sleep

I check on the innocent 4 legged soul in the lounge who often has tail between his legs nowadays, confused and afraid

I hug him, I cry. The Monster is gone for now

And this last one (I have written several) is from moving day which was 4 days after the incident and I had been staying at my best friend’s place for a few days.

He had gotten worse and ended up in hospital. He’s out now, I have an AVO (restraining order). It’s called

“Moving On”

Exhausted she pushes through

Tries to sleep, meditate and rest but doubt creeps in

Delays even just a little bit mess up the plans of the day she had in her head

Feels like she is coming down with something again. Over this.

Grateful for the help of friends and the force but nervous of the Monster Man and his unstable feelings, actions and reactions

She has to plan for everything going right or wrong

The feeling in the chest and gut is heavy

Surely she is going to be ok but something is up

Later she is startled by txts about the Monster Man

He’s in care she hopes he gets better if not just for the innocents

He abused another with threatening words the content of which she can only guess

Protection from police she says is cancelled. He’s not there

The day is filled with thoughts, a little more packing, moving from house a to apartment b, suburbs close between

Video call, chat to another beautiful soul who was abused by someone she thought she knew well

Important txts, a email sent and checking on safety of 4 legged friend

Putting dots together, not hating the monster this Man has become but not wanting him in her life

So many beautiful souls around him, some she would love to keep in contact with

He’s gone mad, it really is sad but she needs safety

Rock bottom they say

She doesn’t feel bad talking about it and wants only good for his kin

She talks to the new mate in apartment b

She is trusting and stepping into her courage.

Note: I have written angry poems about this person being a narcissist after reflecting back and learning about a few things he said and did to other Women. I’m processing so lots coming out.

Label Maker (Poem)

Label Maker print and place on your foreheads, on chest, hand on heart

Easier to define so you don’t lose your mind or seem too unkind

Can’t define ourselves by your rules or laws so much anymore

People are wiser now

When you grow or change are you not victim or a fighter anymore

A survivor?

Are you cold or aloof?

Label maker because how else can we know what you’ve been through? But often judgements save our souls from change

Let it go

But they hurt me, I went backwards

It’s ok to be in pain but dwelling will only cause you more pain, that’s insane

Maybe label you the chick who is fussy, hard on herself

Label relationships

Best or casual friendships

Lover, serious partner, life partner,

If we don’t label then we don’t know where we stand, how to let go

Label my skin black, brown, white, tan, without asking about my heritage

Label maker paste my gender man, woman, trans gender

Question my sexual orientation gay, hetro, lesbian, bi, pan, born in the wrong body, without understanding the courage it takes to be the real me

Religious, atheist, spiritual

Vegan, vegetarian, omnivore, don’t care anymore

Soul, human

Label to understand, not to judge.

Ask why or how of what you don’t understand

We’ve all been labeled but it’s been the wrong way so now it’s time to change it

Label maker print and stick on our foreheads “human”

Tow The Line (Poem)

Tow the line, whose line?I see a different line, of curves.

I sense what you may not see.

I feel the colours in our souls.

My soles of my feet need no longer be weary of walking and towing a line not drawn in the sand for you, for me.

We create our destiny using love, gratitude and that feeling in our gut, in the heart, pushing a little against the grain, not being afraid anymore of what they might say

In an age of political correctness gone mad this is sad it’s this way,

Don’t offend but don’t pretend all is ok that it’s meant to be this way!

Don’t fight the power, be the power!

Trust we are the power, all together!

Anyone can change.

Together we can be whole.

If Our Bodies Were Like Computers

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

If our mind, body and soul was like a computer I imagine it would be like this;

Your brain is like a CPU. It needs plenty of water, good food like walnuts, fresh fruit and vegetables. Good brain food helps but sometimes the mind (operating system) is slow or in resistance and conflict to lifestyle changes (updates) don’t take the first few times!

Meditation and hypnosis (Rebooting) helps a lot.

Intuition/the soul is great (internet browser) but can be distracting. Sometimes it’s better to bookmark that thought for later as a favourite. If it’s not important it can wait! Some of those spiritual downloads are really important and worth saving for later use.

If you are feeling run down and things hurt too much (computer keeps freezing and doing weird stuff) maybe you need more rest and to get a flu shot (virus protection).

When you feel scared especially when in a strange part of town, it’s late at night, you protect yourself by being sensible (doing a security scan).

So, if we remember the above and how much we use our laptops, desktop computers, macs and even phones and tablets (mini computers!) and try to apply good health, kindness, and relaxation to our own lives we may live better!

With that in mind (haha) I’m going to meditate now on the train home from work to reboot. Starting at 7.30 am can be tricky!!

The Healing Train!

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

On Monday afternoon I was on the train to my acupuncture session in Mortdale. I’ve stayed with the same acupuncturist even when I moved suburbs twice because she’s that good and constantly learning new treatments such as colour therapy which serves as a better option than antibiotics for me for several months now.

Earlier in the week, Louise Hay, one of my heroes passed away and I was re visiting her book You Can Heal Your Life which I’ve read many times and always have a copy handy. On this particular day I felt an intense need to bring the copy of my book with me on the train and re read some of the affirmations for various issues I have. If my back pain is bad or my throat is sore I know affirmations have helped. They lift up my positive energy at the very least.

When I changed trains at Sydenham there was a woman with a suitcase who seemed flustered. I looked at her and in my mind, the immediate thought I had was ”this woman needs healing”.  She sat down and asked if she was meant to tap off her opal card when transferring or at the end of her journey so I helped her.

She then mentioned she had flown over from Cairns in Queensland for medical reasons and the flight wasn’t great. The air con was horrible. She seemed like she really needed someone to vent to and I didn’t mind. What happened next was not an accident.

She mentioned having a chronic illness and seeing a lot of doctors, taking medications and having no answers. I listened and said it’s interesting she is sitting with me as I understand. I mentioned a little of my story. I asked if she’d heard of Louise Hay. I offered her my book. I can easily replace it for a few dollars at a book store. There are always plenty. Instead, she took a photo of the cover so she could look Louise up.

I asked her name and introduced myself.  Her name was Robin and she had this beautiful hopeful energy about her and she has a few children to consider.

She is using some of her superannuation to cover these medical expenses and the side effects of the medications she is on are not great.

I really feel like she put it out to the universe that she wanted to do something more natural and that learning about self-help and acupuncture in addition to her conventional treatments will be good for her. I’m not a medical professional of course but I don’t believe in accidents. I believe we crossed paths for a reason.

I don’t also normally carry books with me. It’s very random and I believe in healing myself and others. It’s a life’s work. It felt good being able to teach someone about Louise. Let’s hope Robin has a great future ahead of her.

Until next time blessings to you all Jazz.

Obsessive Compulsive Embarrassment

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Thanks for reading above first. In saying all that I do hope I can help someone with this post. This week I’d like to talk about something I’ve had since I was a teenager. That’s obsessive compulsive disorder.

I’ve never blogged about it or talked about it other than with a couple of people who have it.

I also haven’t discussed it in my stand up comedy set as I was embarrassed and unsure how to make it funny.

I know it seems weird that someone so open about everything else that this would be something you wouldn’t want to discuss but it is.

My family know I have mild OCD. I used to be a lot worse and I actually semi cured myself. 

We seem to have alot of it in the family. So if you are reading this you either a) have OCD or think you do or b) know someone with it and want to understand it better.

First of all not everyone with OCD acts like Nicolas Cage in Matchstick Men or Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. That’s Hollywood and though there are cases like that I’m sure those movies’ are not entirely based on true stories!

In my experience it was more checking that everything was done before going out or to bed and in my head I knew for instance, the door was locked, heater off, alarm set, stove off etc but I still had a compulsive need to check at least three more times in my head to be able to let it go.

Often I’d be checking this while having a conversation with someone.

I was quite good at it and still do it from time to time.

I can focus on the conversation I’m having or the activity I’m doing and still be checking what I’ve done for the day or what I need to do.

It’s like your brain is wired differently. I’d also have trouble letting go of something or a friendship, analyzing everything that went wrong.

This also applied to events that hadn’t been yet.

I could remember rehearsing how things would go, how I would act, you know just so I would fit in and not upset anyone, be cool etc.

The other major thing for me was cleanliness. I can’t go more than a day without a shower and wash my hands regularly but that’s actually just good hygiene given my immune system health.

I also make plenty of reminders and lists and reminders of reminders.

I have never taken medication for this, opting instead to get to the root of the problem and figure out what it was from my traumatic childhood that triggered this.

I won’t post the details of my childhood in this post.

Anyway when I went back I realised that as soon as I had to fend for myself more that OCD was triggered.

It got so bad in my 20’s when I was living outside of home.

The amount of mental energy expanded checking obsessively because you can’t trust yourself to remember the basics is tiring to say the least.

Of course it’s not all bad. I mean for instance I’m never late for appointments, in fact I’m early, you know so I can check heaps before an interview or gig haha that’s mental health humour!

Hey that is a good thing !

Hygiene is very good but with my current state of health I’ve worked very hard at trying to trust the universe and those around me more and to forgive myself if I’m not perfect and I forget things, or occasionally let someone down.

I figured out that as there was alot of pressure on myself as a young child and alot going on that I needed to cope by being extra reliable and worry about others heaps.

When I realised why I try to control my thoughts and plan everything it helped me get better.

Basically I wanted and still want to feel safe. I didn’t feel safe as a child.

There were some good moments and thank you Mum for getting me into therapy at a young age but OCD is very common with victims of abuse.

It’s not studied enough or talked about enough perhaps because of the stigma and the association with certain types of abuse suffered in childhood? I’m not sure. And many people maybe misdiagnosed or over medicated.

I know that all my worrying, stress and anxiety and checking constantly was not good for me but I more hurt myself than others.

They didn’t know that I was stressing on the inside constantly.

If you are suffering from OCD check out this organization. I’ve just discovered them. 

If you are after tips and advice what I can suggest is to write in a journal about your feelings when you check and obsess about things.

For example, I’m worried about a particular event and stressed it won’t go as planned because I want to be in control so if I was to write about that I’d write I feel worried because…and see where I go from there.

It might make you cry, or angry for a day or two then later you might feel lighter but that’s what works for me.

This is what works for me, mind you I have been living with OCD undiagnosed and rarely talked about it for most of my life.

I find there are positive aspects such as not being forgetful or unreliable.

I just have to remind myself to ease up on myself and that mental illness doesn’t have to define me, nor does my physical health but it also doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

It adds character I suppose and it’s part of who I am.

As long as I’m not hurting myself or others. Hurting others is not my thing. Now to care about me more!

If you want to comment, ask for clarification on this post, please don’t hesitate.

Thanks for reading. Hope I could help. In summary, just remember you are not alone, therapy helps whether it’s alone or with a professional and there’s no need to feel ashamed.

 *Update May 2020*

I have used Dr Joe Dispenza’s technique many times from his book “Break The Habit of Being Yourself” in addition to new belief affirmations, and self hypnosis and I don’t have much OCD anymore! EFT can also help. I check once for important things at the time like a normal person. I do sometimes find I check 3-5 times if it’s something triggering, a future event but I often know my triggers and it works out. One day at a time.

Try the above and remember it takes at least 21 days to form new habits or break old ones!

Blessings to you all!

 

This Was Not Part of My Itinerary!

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Happy new year all. I haven’t blogged in awhile regarding my health journey.

I planned a long over overdue trip to New Zealand for my Christmas holiday.

It was a big deal for me as I hadn’t spent Christmas and NYE home since 2009 before I moved to Sydney and all my family are now living within an hour of each other plus the Kaipiti Coast and Wellington region are beautiful. I love the lower North Island, period.

I hadn’t been home since September 2013 for my Mother’s 60^th either. I was excited and planned well.

Then I got sick with a pretty nasty flu or chest infection of some type in early December, I had symptoms I hadn’t had before which I won’t post now in case you are eating (not wise with a health blog…I’m kidding, I’m sure you could handle it!) so I saw my GP, got a week’s course of antibiotics’ and got better or so I thought.

I had two weeks of being healthy, well for me anyway. No coughs or colds, a little fatigued but I’m used to that.

On 21^st December 2015 I had a flight in the morning to Wellington from Sydney and a slight cough but no time to go to the GP and thought nothing of it of course.

Within a day or so of staying with my Mother and Sister in Otaki Beach and my cough worsened and I had a very croaky voice.

We tried a number of natural remedies on my cough and I rested and tried to limit my talking, a big challenge for me in general but especially when catching up with family and on Christmas Day when we had relatives over from Lower Hutt. Damn!

I started to get better before heading to Lower Hutt, in the Wellington Region on 28^th December.

I monitored my cough but it worsened and I was very tired. My Aunt, Uncle and Cousin were concerned but I insisted I was ok especially as there were times I was getting better. 

We did some sightseeing, I met a cousin I’d never met before and had a lovely time as I had done in Otaki Beach. It wasn’t until 2 January that I thought I really should seek medical attention as all the resting and natural remedies in the world were only doing so much and I had trouble breathing and I was shivering in 25-degree heat (not sure the temp in Fahrenheit but it’s warm Summer weather).

I reluctantly went to the local public hospital, fortunately it’s only a short 5 minute drive away. I’m a little bit over western medicine especially in the last 2 years and given my upbringing by my ex Naturopath Mother and a strong belief in alternative medicine but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

We rocked up to the Emergency Department and after filling in some paperwork I asked for a blanket because I was still shivering despite it being warm weather and me being dressed in boots and Wintery clothing.

My temperature was taken and I had a fever so had to cool down when already cold. I can’t say I’ve ever had a temperature that high before (almost 40 degrees Celsius ).

I was seen promptly given my medical history and in insolation.

My Aunt was great company, we called my Mother and Sister who live just over an hour drive away from Lower Hutt.

Chest X Ray taken, blood tests, samples of everything.

They were thorough and I was tired by 11pm.

We had arrived around 7.30 pm or so that evening. My Aunt went home and I tried to nap before being admitted to the Medical Ward upstairs where I stayed all Sunday, Monday and Tuesday morning in a single room with a good view.

Fortunately, the weather wasn’t so good for Sunday and some of Monday so I didn’t feel completely ripped off haha and Mum and my Sister, Aunt, Uncle and Cousin visited me as much as they could.

Nice to have good family and they brought me in real food though the hospital food wasn’t so bad and the hospital had free unlimited Wifi. That was a bonus.

Lots of IV antibiotics and fluids and rest plus a blood transfusion of immunoglobulins after the Doctors’ team made a call to Haematology at RPA in Sydney regarding my blood test results.  I am still a New Zealand Citizen but an Australian Resident, therefore, the transfusion was free otherwise it’s over $3000. Relieved!

I think it helped a lot. I did have to change my flight from 5^th January to 7^th January and because I didn’t purchase travel insurance it cost me $100 which I can afford and I managed to get the supervisor to waive $80 given the circumstances. I normally don’t buy insurance for New Zealand travel and the one time I need it I don’t have it. Lesson learned!

I still had a pretty good holiday despite being so sick because I chose to mostly see the good things.

I did have a couple of moments where I was upset often understandably. I felt I was losing control of my life and my health in the hospital, not knowing when I was going to get out or if I was going to live because I was almost septic. 

I had changed my flight because not only did I believe I wasn’t going to make the flight on Tuesday but the haematology team at RPA had said no to flying for a few days. Thursday was the earliest. That’s today. I’ve woken up early as planned and this time for the first time in several days not felt so sick, still have that cough and chest somewhat congested but getting there. All packed, checked in and boarding pass printed early so I can enjoy my last few hours here before heading to the airport with my Aunt.

My Mum is coming over from Otaki Beach so it will be nice to have the two of them see me off. I’m going to let the Qantas staff know when I check in my luggage that I was in hospital 2 days ago, cleared to fly, not infectious however this cough sounds bad, should I be seated elsewhere? Is it a full flight?

Also about my Myeloma I’m fatigued, I may require assistance if the gate is a long walk. Actually, on the flight from Sydney I didn’t realize I’d be on a bus transported from the gate to the plane and I was standing for awhile. My back was very sore and I was exhausted. That was just before I started to get sicker, I just didn’t know.

It feels weird to ask for special assistance when flying if I’m not in a wheelchair etc. I look able-bodied but I do push myself when fatigued.

That’s the tricky thing with Myeloma, you just don’t know you are sick until you are really sick. I’ve done a lot of thinking about how I can prevent bad infections, how to rest enough but still have a life.

It can be very tricky and often I feel so frustrated like I have no say in my own health. I really would prefer not to be in the hospital system and on these medications. Speaking of medications, in the hospital I was told that the dexamethasone and pomalidomide that I’m on suppress your immune system. I was taken off them until I’m rid of this infection.

My white cells were lower than usual in early December due to both of these medications. I find it rather bizarre that you’d give immunosuppressant medications to someone with an immune system cancer.

It’s no wonder I’ve been getting sick more often with colds and flu etc and not fully healing. Western medicine helps but hinders you.

I will find more natural ways. When I’m back in Sydney I’ll be buying my hemp seed oil again and back into some kind of routine though the pilates and yoga might be cut back slowly.

One of my resolutions this year is to cut back on sugar and coffee and see if that helps with general health and killing those pesky cancer cells. I’ve always found that a challenge. Sugar seems to be in everything but I’m determined to get better. Wish me luck! Until next post. 

The Long Haul Hospital Stay

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

It has been an eventful stay in hospital over 2 weeks.  In this post I try to recap all the highlights of my stay, what I may have learned, observed and inject a little humour.

So, from the beginning;

I was admitted to RPA on Monday 30 June and my Aunt had flown over from New Zealand at short notice for a week as my Mum had a concussion and a T1 neck fracture from a fall just 3 days earlier.

I had a gate heart pool scan and blood test and also some medicine via a nebulizer to ensure my lungs would be healthy for the transplant.

Tuesday  1 July a minor surgical procedure to insert a central line (CVC) into my neck to make life easier when giving meds and taking blood etc.

You get a pretty sore neck after that for a couple of days so lots of pain.

Wednesday 2 July was the high dose chemotherapy session, lucky last. I had to chew on ice chips during the procedure to help keep my mouth moist to help prevent bad mouth sores (ulcers).

Thursday 3 July was the day before my transplant and when my jaw tightened and mouth felt like it was closing up due to allergies. I was thoroughly checked by doctors and turns out later down the track the pain was from the beginning of mouth sores. It was really scary. This is the day I got moved to a single room to protect my soon to be non-existent immune system.

Friday 4 July transplant day. Uneventful. Over less than 2 hours later and only a few bags of stem cells. I was able to move around, my Aunt was great company.

Saturday 5 July my Aunt was gone and my Mother recovered from concussion was here. I had a number of visitors and calls and well wishes. A friend visited several days in a row. 

Now the side effects, funny stories and 9 days of hell of not having an immune system:

Side effects are pretty intense. I could list them all here and I’ll try without grossing my readers out too much. In no particular order and to varying degrees I had nausea, vomiting, let’s say I went to the bathroom a lot including sometimes losing ‘’control’’ a few times!

Other side effects were blurry vision, fatigue, and the worst of the worst side effects that I still have now, mouth sores! I only had grade 1 sores on my lips, in my throat and on my gums. 

The pain was so bad that sometimes morphine and endone (oxycodone) and Panadol sometimes in a 4 hour period was not enough.

I was given a baking soda and water mouth wash to use a few times a day but it wasn’t until I used it constantly that the sores started to heal.

The pain meant that I couldn’t easily eat, talk, swallow or drink some days.

One night I was in tears, it was too much. Need I remind you that it was only grade 1.

I went to dentist for a full clean and scale and x rays a few weeks before my treatment in order to make sure I had great dental health so this maybe why I didn’t have worse sores.

They are almost healed now.

I cannot describe the pain but it was a level 10 for days and felt like my jaw was closing in. I ate soft foods and liquids like someone who has no teeth!

It is kinda funny that part! I never want to go through that again! I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

It was 9 days in a row of no immune system or white cell counts, isolated to my single room and only allowed out to the patient lounge with a face mask on.  I did go on the bike in the patient lounge most days for 5 minutes twice a day to keep myself sane and I think that plus my visitors, napping when I could, and a positive attitude that helped me heal a week earlier than anticipated.

I could not utilize all the tv hire, tv series that I had available to me from friends on my external or read any of the 3 books I had on loan from mates due to the fatigue and the blurry vision so visitors were extra special to me.

Funny story (kinda) I think my room was haunted as one night I was on the opposite side of the room near the bathroom and my tv remote was on the bedside table and the tv turned on by itself.

It’s not possible, not logical and it happened again so my friend  and I decided we had a ghost and talked to the cool male nurse, a real character about the ward being haunted.

A lot of patients die on this ward. Sorry to not mince words but blood and bone cancers are serious and so are the complications from treatment.

Another story, a short one is that once when visiting my Mum said the first time she walked into my room that she saw a ghost across the room. Wow! I think the ‘’ghost’’ is a bored guardian angel and was watching over me!

I had one night I had nightmares, about three of them one where I was above my body, dead and felt like someone had their hands across my chest stopping me from coming back to life.

I really believed I was having a near death experience. How would I know? I couldn’t feel my body. I needed anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pill in the middle of the night. It was terrifying.

The next day someone in the room next to me was moved to ICU and the day after that my mate overheard the nurses talking about a gentleman dying.

I was surrounded by death so maybe I dreamt of someone passing soon? Who knows? It was scary.

Sunday 13 July I was told I had white cells again and it would take days for them to climb but at least I had an immune system albeit a very very weak one and I had a few days earlier gotten an infection (strep) and been on two antibiotics all weekend. I had started to get a cold.

As you’d imagine a cold in someone with no immune system is dangerous.

I had to think positive to get through it. Family and friends support helped greatly. Platelet transfusion required. Very standard.

Monday 14 July great news today that my cells had gone up slightly. Already yah!  I had re engrafted which means the stem cells did their job and are protecting me so the chemo and hellish side effects worth the trouble! That was several days earlier than planned.

Must have done all the right things in hospital which included hiring a massage therapist from Lifehouse across the road several days earlier for half hour reflexology session.

Very gentle to avoid bruising. And the ‘’ear seeds’’ in acupressure points my acupuncturist put in that I pressed on a lot for several days must have helped. That and bike rides, fluids, and the most important thing, a positive attitude.

I was allowed out of the hospital for lunch to celebrate and I went to a funky Newtown café with Mum and a couple of  mates. I did get very exhausted and stressed out after 45 minutes or so due to the shock of the fresh air and crowds after 10 days in insolation.

I can’t describe the fear and the excitement. I decided to play it safe the next day and only go as far as the hospital cafes. I had a transfusion today. No biggie honestly just needed some blood!

Tuesday 15 July my favourite day as the doctors’ asked me if I was happy to leave in the late afternoon. I was nervous, asked a lot of questions and said yes. That day at lunch time it was confirmed, discharge papers, meds given for viral infection protection and one pill twice a day which I was on already to prevent that time of the month as I do not have enough platelets to risk bleeding.

Side note I did have to prevent that natural function to avoid complications and I will see the gyno team about my 4cm left ovary cyst next week.

Might need minor surgery. That’s another story altogether although the cyst doubled in size only after starting chemo. I’m not worried as it pales in comparison to bone cancer doesn’t it?

Now I didn’t go straight home on Tuesday as my flatmate has a cold that’s lingered for weeks and only an occasional cough but being in close quarters with her I didn’t want to take chances for the first crucial week out of hospital so I checked myself into a 4 star hotel twin share room with 2 beds very close to RPA and near where my Mum is staying.

Friend’s (without colds or flu!) are welcome to come and stay over every second night to monitor me. I popped home today to drop off rent and pick up a few things and an enjoying being in a very very clean environment in Newtown.

I had the money in savings from all the fundraising and maybe able to claim back as a medical expense on my taxes. I miss my flat and flatmate but I’ll see her on 23^rd July. 

So where to from now? Well I see my specialist on 30 July to confirm if I’m in remission, check how my immune system is going then I start on antibiotics.

Twice a week I need to take pills to protect my immune system for a minimum of 6 – 12 months. No big deal.

I also take an anti-viral and am passionate about olive leaf extract. Recently got in USANA minerals and antioxidants thanks to my flatmate but I take ¼ to ½ a dose a day due to my weakened immune system. Lots of Epsom salt baths in hotel to heal my aching muscles. I haven’t slept well  since I got out due to messed up sleeping patterns so I am taking natural herbal sleeping tablets from tonight for a week and hope to have a full night’s sleep soon.

On that note, good night all and thanks for reading. My journey is not over. I’ll post about my health, precautions I take and what it’s like when I’m 100% in 3-6 months.

Maybe back to the day job part time in February 2015? Well we will see! Until next time!

 

 

 

Hair today, Gone Tomorrow!

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Exactly two weeks after my high dose chemo treatment my hair started to fall out.

Of course I had expected this but I didn’t know what to expect, when it would fall out, how much I would lose, so on and so forth.

It started on a Friday afternoon with my scalp burning a bit and I massaged it to help with the discomfort.

I was very surprised when I went to lightly brush my hair before a shower and ended up losing a whole bunch of hair at once!

Yes I was prepared with wigs etc but mentally I don’t think I was ready. I got one hell of a fright!!

The next few days I lost a hell of a lot of hair. Even lightly combing my hair resulted in massive hair loss.   To make my hair look less hideous I would tie it up in a very small pony tail. That pony tail was ridicously small within 5 days.

I had recently booked flights to Brisbane to visit family friends in Queensland. Never been there before and needed a break from Sydney.

My dark blonde wig, a bandana and hat were packed just in case I decided to shave my head. Of course I wanted to hold onto my natural hair as long as possible!

I arrived in Brisbane on 3 June and that night the soreness, hair loss and itchy scalp were driving me up the wall to the point where I was pulling out hair. Brushing like crazy just to even it out.

That stopped the itching and resulted in bald patches!

I resolved to shave my head the next day but was nervous! I’m kind of attached to my hair!

Wednesday 4 June: I became the first female customer to get a hair cut at Quick Cuts in Bellbowrie Plaza, Brisbane!

I even had my Mum’s friend’s husband film it! The video is on my you tube channel with links to it on twitter and my Facebook fan page.

Having a sense of humour when being a woman getting your head shaved is essential!

Luckily for me I have the right shaped head to pull off the shaved head look!

I continued to lose a little stubble for a few days and rocked a wig and then on a couple of hair optional days my hat or bandana. Nice sunny weather for it.

I’m adjusting to my temporary loss of hair, trying not to adjust my wig in public and definitely feeling the cold more now that it’s winter.

It’s a lot to take on and I’m not alone but at least the hair will grow back!

 

Harvest This!

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Yesterday was the day of my stem cell harvest. I arrived with my good friend as support bright and early 7.45 am.

The first stage was the blood test then I was given some pain relief for the bone pain as the injections had made the pain worse in the last day or so. I can’t really describe it suffice to say it was hard to walk and my hips and back were in a lot of pain.

We were told the Doctor would see me at 9.30 after the results were in so hung out in a local cafe to kill time. Time went fast.

Next up, OB’s; that’s pulse, blood pressure and temp check time. I was told that my white blood cell count had gone up again which was good and they were happy. I had a few other side effects and told the Doctor who took that into consideration.

I was then hooked up to a very high tech machine and had a large needle in each arm.

They used local anaesthetic. I had an IV of anti coagulation medicine, saline. Blood/stem cells come out of one arm and fluids into the other. I had to squeeze a small blue ball basically non stop to keep the circulation going in my right arm otherwise the machine would beep and stop taking blood etc. I also had to keep my arms and shoulders perfectly straight for the entire process. Don’t bend my elbows otherwise the large needles would puncture a vein. Ouch!.

So all was going well until about 15 minutes or less into the process, the nurses discovered a leak in the machine. Lucky we hadn’t really collected any stem cells yet so the machine was promptly changed and I was hooked up to a new one.

Nope I did not have to have my needles removed and have a break at this time. Damn!

Now the waiting game. My friend had to act as my hands and entertainment for 3 hours.

He attempted to read some of Wicked to me but it’s a rather wordy book to read to someone out loud when you are half awake in the morning so we went to plan B; DVD. I had my lap top and 2 DVD’s with me.

Well actually as it turned out the copy I thought I had of Me, Myself and Irene was actually a copy of the soundtrack. Hey, it was a gift from someone but not in it’s original case. Nevermind. I also brought Clerks, one of my fave movies from the 90’s so we popped that classic R16 movie on. Lucky I was the only patient in the apheresis unit at the time. Nice.

The nurses got me a yummy cheese toasted sammie and oj which my friend had to feed to me.

I cannot tell you how weird it feels not being able to use your hands, go to the bathroom etc for over 3 hours like that. Lucky I didn’t need to sneeze or have an itchy nose etc!

I had alot of tingling in my hands and feet and at one point my face starting going numb which I was told was a side effect to the anti coagulation medicine and I was given calcium in an IV for that.

It worked but then I got very sleepy and had to stay awake to make sure I didn’t forget to squeeze the ball! Don’t drop the ball so to speak!

No squeeze, no circulation! Interpret as you wish!

The time did go fairly fast. Good company helps of course. My pulse was regularly checked and occasionally all the curse language in a Kevin Smith classic got their attention. One nurse I tried to explain the premise of Clerks to until I gave up and said ”the dvd case is on the table next to the lap top.”. We still had time so watched or semi watched an episode of The X Files.

Finally the needles were out and I was allowed to move although I needed to stretch a bit first. Where to first? The bathroom! Yep I’d been holding on since about half way through the harvesting. Fun!

I was free to leave in the mid afternoon with my very sore right arm and hand and received the call later that day that the harvest was sufficient and I would not be required to pop in the next day which occasionally happens. Yah!

I also was given the date for my next hospital stay which is 30 June for a few days high dose chemo and my stem cell transplant will be on 4 July.

Total hospital stay including some recovery time should be roughly 2-4 weeks. I do have a blood test and a check up on 16 June though and I’m due for a bone marrow biopsy. I’m not booked in yet though for that procedure to confirm I’m in remission.

My Mother is coming to Sydney on 28th/29th June and staying until 25 July. The leave request is in but 99% positive it will be approved.

It will nice to have family here. I haven’t had family over here since January. I do have my Sydney family of course; friends, room mate, lots of fellow comics, work colleagues.

Well, I’m almost at the end of all my treatments and haven’t lost my hair yet. Had pretty much all the other side effects.

Getting there.

Chemo Induced Depression

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

When you are not working full time for an extended period of time, loneliness can set in.

In my case I have found on the treatment free days I’m getting up later and later, and do try. I write, exercise, go to cafes often. Think positive right?

But all the drugs they put you on don’t just cause nausea, stomach problems, weight loss or gain and hair loss/thinning,  they build up toxicity in your body and mind causing messed up moods where you feel down when you should be up!

This week was a good week no doubt due in large part to my hugely successful fundraiser on Tuesday although today I have too much on my mind!

It is a problem having too much time on your hands and being fairly fussy when it comes to entertainment like my movie and tv tastes! I only watch so many shows! Entertainment helps though to a point! One needs a distraction and I only have so much imagination!

Please feel free to distract me! Sometimes I’m too proud to ask!

I guess what I’m trying to say is cancer is tough enough without adding on depression from time to time!

I realize most of my friends think I’m very optimistic and yes I am but I had to work hard at it and I see a therapist at my treatment centre who specializes in therapy for cancer patients.

I know I’m “brave” to admit to being weak sometimes in such a public way but when you think about it, well it makes sense that if you have cancer you are going to struggle with depression a bit.

You try not to let it take over and friends and family help but most people work full-time, have a lot on and you don’t like to impose. I’m sure I’m not alone here.

I’m at a cafe as I post this. It does help lift my spirits though it’s not always the cheapest option!

“Always look on the bright side of life”…yes I’m trying !

 

ED Adventure? I Think Not!

*Disclaimer; I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this blog are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Well, I had an adventure of sorts this past weekend.

An unexpected journey in many ways I guess you could say.
Those who know I’m an ex-pat New Zealander and who are fans of The Hobbit and LOTR movies will maybe get the joke there. If not, I need to get better at writing jokes!

What’s a punchline again?

So on Friday I was having a great day off between treatments and looking forward to a relaxing weekend with the intention of catching up with a friend who is visiting for a week from Kiwiland.

At 12 am or shortly after it dawned on me that it was now Saturday morning and given my current state of health it behooves one to get to bed before midnight and have a full night’s sleep especially when steroids tend to wake one frequently in the middle of the night.

I had been comfortably blogging away and facebooking for a few hours on my laptop and not realized I had any pain.

As soon as I got up I had pain in my lower left abdomen in what felt like my left ovary.

At this point I need to mention out that yes I was on that wondrous time of the month which now starts on the first week of the first cycle of chemo each month.

Slightly bad syncing there body, adding pain to side effects and hormone overload.

Do not get me started on the PMS the week before! Well, I never do things by halves, do I?

Anyway, I went to the bathroom in preparation for bed but got one hell of a fright when my upper back and abdomen were in intense pain so much so that couldn’t use the bathroom let alone sit upright.

The pain was a level 100.

I considered side effects from the chemo at this point as I recall similar pain when I was blocked up for lack of a better word (it’s embarrassing but common so if you are on chemo, do not underestimate the importance of prunes!!), also my old lower back injury and period pain although I was on day 4 so it shouldn’t be getting worse unless the low platelet anemia was back.

I had just stopped getting the flu-like symptoms from Zometa (see the previous post) and back pain is something I’ve dealt with since childhood.

I kid you not! I have a very strong pain threshold, skipping pain relief for mind over matter, meditation, yoga, and acupuncture wherever possible.

I was raised this way and it’s better on my already damaged kidneys and liver not to mention avoiding animal-tested pain relief.

I was in agony so I had to take something though.

I opted for two panadol rapid as I’ve been advised by specialist against anti-inflammatory pain relief such as ibuprofen due to the possible interactions with some of my chemo medications.

Can’t say I find that fair as I now temporarily can’t take Naprogesic which is fantastic on period pain. Damn.

I did have pandeine forte with me but that has to be taken with Metamucil and I did not like the idea of adding more to the side effects besides in my experience pain this bad was going to need more help!

I also checked my temperature as I was almost sweating and having hot flushes. Temp was within normal range.

Heated a wheatbag and tried that but the problem was if I tried to lie down my upper back was good but my lower back was painful.

If I sat up the lower back was ok but the upper back was killing me. tried side on, rocking back and forth.

I tried to go to the bathroom after taking prunes.

Hey, I considered everything as you do when monitoring a million possible side effects and on period too!

I was in tears to and from the bathroom, nausea kicked in, I couldn’t stand up straight or sit or lie down, I almost threw up.

It was agony. I continued this process, surprised I didn’t wake my flatmate and her boyfriend up for almost two hours,  finally giving up and calling the free 24-hour nurse helpline running through all my symptoms which now included upper chest pain and no the painkillers had not kicked in.

The nurse asked alot of specific questions and said she recommended I go to the hospital.

Now at 2 am ish in the morning and before ordering an ambulance, I attempted to wake my flatmate who I know is a deep sleeper but would have been happy to drive me to RPA immediately.

Nope she was asleep or I was too quiet.

I should mention I had a sore throat and was very thirsty, had almost a litre of water in 2 hours and still so so thirsty. Ambulance ordered, arrived within 10 minutes.

Two friendly helpful staff, more questions, morphine in the ambulance for the pain so I could lie down comfortably.

The benefits of ordering the ambulance is that you get to the emergency department faster, are with trained professionals and can get pain relief immediately and the best benefit, no waiting time in the ED room!

So maybe just as well my flatmate was asleep!

There is one disadvantage for me though. That would be the bill of $160-$200 which will arrive in the mail at some point.

I don’t have private health cover, only medicare and there is no free ambulance here.

It is somewhat worth the cost and if they don’t let me pay off the bill then I have some savings or can fundraise. Hahahaha. Honestly, it’s not so bad, I’ve never had to take an ambulance to hospital or morphine for that matter but in saying that I put up with alot of pain, sometimes chronic.

I’ve been like that at work and gigs. 

I modify my social life to deal with physical pain and I used to medicate with alcohol and prior to that pain relief, it was an issue (a phase) in my 20’s … so Friday night I had to say to myself for god’s sake you are in severe pain in the middle of the night with no help so just accept the morphine.

I just wanted to sleep at that point, I was so exhausted as you can imagine. Ambo’s noticed how dehydrated I was and had the saline at the ready.
Within a few minutes of arriving at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital Emergency Department (RPA) I was in a bed in acute and hooked up to an IV of saline, given more morphine and poked, prodded and asked questions by nurses.

I was scared, alone and in shock. I know 2nd and subsequent cycles of chemo can cause more side effects but I was better during the day so this was too much for me.

More morphine and I attempted to sleep between messaging my friend in Melbourne with Multiple Myeloma who has insomnia due to steroids and also a friend who was in the same hospital after having a non cancerous but huge tumour removed earlier that week and couldn’t sleep.

The nurses kept me entertained and I saw a Doctor, had an abdomen x ray. At this point, I dreamt of sleep.

They had pumped alot of morphine into me weighed me and the fact that this was my first time having morphine so monitoring for possible allergies. I took it well. Sleep!

Finally at around 5 or 6 am I can’t remember when, I wanted sleep and had just started to dose off when a woman who I could only assume was a drug addict was admitted and screaming at the top of her lungs for about 30 minutes although it felt much longer than that!

She sounded possessed and the nurses and doctors were telling her to shut up.

They are used to it. I had a lovely chat with a nurse originally from New Zeland and a fellow patient also originally from New Zealand about crazy patient number #50 who was then moved to a free bed 3 beds away from me.

Oh goodie my new friend! At this time, a close friend of mine who had seen my facebook status update earlier and was up uncharacteristically early on a Saturday morning had asked if I wanted a visitor and I said yes so she had been on her way during this time that I had a new ”buddy”.

Crazy #50 as she will forever be known, had stopped screaming before being moved to a bed but was now swearing going on about the police raiding her partner’s house, her not being crazy and swearing saying she didn’t want to be here and wanted to go look after her son. She was clearly pregnant and coming down off drugs. It was sad. I felt for her kid, and didn’t want her here but it’s acute and until you are discharged, you are stuck here. She paced alot, screaming and going mad and my friend was witness to alot of this. we exchanged the usual ”are you serious”, ”wish you would go”, ”shut up girl people want to sleep too and none of us want to be here either! geez” looks and talked in breathy voices to the nurses who have seen it all before and have a sense of humour.

They managed to eventually calm Crazy #50 down and she seemed accepting of her current predicament so peace was restored but I didn’t want to sleep as I was catching up with my friend who was fine with me sleeping, she insisted but I’m an entertainer and besides I missed her!

Saw another doctor few times and spoke with Mum and also my flatmate who apologized profusely for not being awake in the middle of the night but was happy to pick me up when I was discharged hopefully later in the day. All good.

In the end I had less than 1-hour sleep and no answer as to why I was in pain. the dehydration had given me severe cotton mouth and had 2 bags of saline and only helped a little. My throat was killing me.

I was given sachets of powder for constipation although I had not presented to the ED with this but just under haematologist orders (sigh) and a script for Endone which is morphine in tablet form, even stronger in some regards, and reluctantly discharged by the doctor who said if I did not improve or worsened please come back tomorrow or this evening.

He was really lovely.

Went to a cafe and was grateful to grab a salad to eat with my mate who had made the last few hours more bearable and waiting for my flatmate to pick me up.

Wasn’t too long until I was home again, and the morphine wearing off.

I felt tired and cranky and needing to fill the Endone script. I read the script and it said hospital only and realized this after I got home so we came back to the hospital since my flatmate is awesome and we thought we read the script right.

Well turns out the pharmacy was closed and we could fill it anywhere but if any issues we would need to have the pharmacist phone the hospital to confirm with the prescribing doctor.

I was now a little more than pissed off to put it mildly and we got home, I filled the script no issue at local pharmacy.

Originally I thought I could fill anywhere, the only issue I had was when I read the script and in my seriously sleep deprived state I didn’t think to try to fill it, I just went home and said oh my god it’s hospital only pharmacy we have to go back to RPA to flatmate!. Arrgh.

Lucky we live in Waterloo so close enough by car to the hospital!
Took a couple of Endone, slept a few hours, ate a lovely dinner with flatmate and her boyfriend (mmm home made Japanese Curry!) another one Endone and slept most of the night.

Vivid dreams man. Last time I had that was when I took a Valium when I was having a panic attack on weed years ago. Trippy.

Sunday was not so great, weak, lack of appetite, hot flushes, achy.

My flatmate helped by making me a yummy fruit smoothie and checking I was comfortable in the much cooler lounge.

I slept awhile and also a friend swung by with some fruit salad which I slowly ate during the day. He was good company when flatmate was out as I was scared I would need to go back to hospital.

I don’t recall taking more than panadol rapid.

I was more tired than anything. I went back to sleep. I think I slept 90% of the day on Sunday! Must have needed it!.

Monday was hard in terms of getting up, and I needed to do a load of washing!

I had a shortage of clean clothes and I’m practical plus I have no maid!

A hot shower and attempt at eating 2% of my breakfast helped some.

I couldn’t sleep due to the noise from the attached crèche and it was steroid day so that woke me up.

I had a GP catch up in the morning and a friend had offered a lift but hadn’t confirmed so bus into the city it was but it was fine in terms of getting a seat and getting to the city promptly.

I was very concerned as the upper back and chest pain was bad again and I was slightly hunched over in an effort to be comfortable.

Had a couple errands to run, rent was due and GP was on time and very helpful suggesting chest and back x ray to be arranged in maybe two weeks or so.

He said I should see him more often and that I can complain more, I’m a good patient handling a tough diagnosis well.

I’m impressed with how he has been since December, better than usual.

In the past with the MGUS he was dismissive as he didn’t understand it and I was left undiagnosed with the progressed cancerous version for a couple of years due to my GP’s lack of knowledge on the subject.

Well it is a rare bone cancer but still.

But I digress, back to Monday, after GP, my friend txt saying his phone was on silent, never heard the earlier txts and promptly came into the city.

I chilled for ten at a cafe next store and was relieved I didn’t have to bus back as still in poor form.

Thank god for good friends huh?

Treatment day. First blood tests and then I spoke with Myeloma Nurse, ran through my symptoms and hospital visit, and she made an arrangement for the doc to review me at treatment time.

Usual delay of an hour and a half but I had great company and my OB’s were good, quick review and the doctor actually picked up on something that ED Doc’s are too busy to notice or look for. That’s right, side effects but you won’t guess what from, no not the new drug but possibly the steroids! Yipee!

Note the sarcasm. It could be gastro problems from the sheer dose I’m on but apparently, it’s a common side effect along with sleep disturbances, weight gain, and many other side effects.

The joys of steroids.
I have prescribed a medicine called Somac for gastro upsets and told they would not do a chest or back scan until my 3rd cycle of treatment due to the radiation.

I had my treatment, took the new medication for the side effect and my lovely flatmate got me some complimentary Hydrolyte tablets through a pharmacist friend to dissolve in water for the dehydration which I still had.
Finally some relief and a decent sleep bar the two hours from 3-5 am ish that I woke up which is standard on steroids. Geez.

This morning I felt human, had support groups and therapy and apart from a little annoying upper back pain which I’m monitoring I do feel good.

Did get a hell of a fright though several hours after a quick manicure where I took off my expensive rings my Mother got me (which I never take off) when I realized I did not have my rings on my fingers and I did not get them back as they were on the table at the beauticians!

The girl never handed them back, we both forgot but surely they could have called! It was midnight when I realized so I’ll pop in when they open.

I’ve never lost expensive sentimental jewellery before now so they go on the fingers and stay on ! I’m sure the girls put them in safe keeping and didn’t ”nick off with them” hahaa.

They are nice, I’m a regular, I’m just suffering from chemo brain plus I was born blonde. You can’t change that easily.

So healthy ish again for now.

Seriously why so many ish’s in this post. I must get some sleep as I’m catching up with my mate over from New Zealand tomorrow the day before she flys out and I will try to sleep without nightmares of my rings (precious, they took my precious! omg more LOTR references but this time yeah it makes more sense huh?) sold on the black market to keep the local beautician in business…preccccciouuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssssss!

From Benign to Active; A Story About a Rare Bird With A Rare Disease

*Disclaimer; I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this blog are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Where to start? Firstly a little about me. I’m 34, and a newbie comedian on the Sydney stand up scene.

Things were going well in November/December 2013 with my career and I have the advantage of being employed full time in a stable and well-paying job with a large insurance company. I even got accepted into the RAW comedy competition.

My health, however, had been in not the best shape for a few months and I’ll admit I didn’t pay attention to it due to working full time and doing stand up comedy gigs/going to friends’ gigs every week. I didn’t eat well or get enough sleep.

I was constantly getting sick, had a cough that lingered for over 2 months and took on average about 2 hours to get out of bed every morning for work. I just assumed I was overdoing it, burning the candle at both ends as you do. It’s best not to assume.

My body gave me one hell of a time once a month for 3 consecutive months where the pain was so severe, coupled with extreme nausea, lack of appetite and migraines that I had to take time off work which I never had to do in the past. I naturally assumed I needed ultrasounds and smears etc so got all that checked out and it’s basically healthy but what about the pain?

I could work (barely) after that but dragged myself through the day and cut back on going to gigs, stopping performing quite as much thinking I just needed rest but I was very worried. I was very honest with friends and employers but I was scared.

Now it’s at this point I should mention the referral I requested for a hematologist at Royal Prince Alfred hospital in Sydney a couple of years ago. I had at the time a pre-existing medical condition which had not required treatment and frankly, I had gotten used to living with it given I didn’t have symptoms or so I thought and monitored with blood tests only but my GP did not understand the condition.

At this point I need to go backwards before I go forward.

So it’s 2005 back when I was living in Auckland, New Zealand and I hadn’t been to a doctor for a checkup in several years so I went in for a barrage of standard blood tests and they found an unusual protein and sent me immediately to a hematologist.

Turns out that I had a benign version of multiple myeloma called MGUS (also known as smoldering Myeloma; fitting for the Hot Comedian!) which at that point did not require treatment, just monitoring.

The problem with myeloma is you don’t always get symptoms until it’s gotten really bad so it was a tough time for me and my family especially given that it’s rarely diagnosed in someone in their 20’s and is a rare blood/bone marrow cancer in the first place.

I felt alone at times but I eventually got used to it.

So back to this year; after I moved to Australia in 2010, with my MGUS I had arranged blood tests only in 2011, 2012 and 2013 via my GP, however, he is not an expert in myeloma so he thought it was stable not progressed and I did not have a cause for concern.

Nevertheless, I got the referral in November 2013 and the specialist said there were concerns but he needs to send me off for a bone marrow biopsy to confirm if my paraprotein levels had risen due to progression.

He was very laid back so I tried not to worry too much.

If you ever have to get a bone marrow biopsy ask them to sedate you!

My experience in New Zealand was extremely painful so this time I insisted on being ‘’drugged’’ so it was ok!

I did not hear anything back for over 2 weeks from hematology and they say no news is good news.

Well see that was not the case here. I just assumed they would have contacted me if it was serious. Logical assumption right guys? Yeah, no they didn’t so being the studious patient I am and genuinely concerned about my health, I chased up my hematologist and he was wondering why he hadn’t seen me yet!

RPA missed something there!.

I missed a phone call and instead heard via email that the disease had progressed.

As you can imagine, living with something with virtually no symptoms for over 8 years then hearing this is very overwhelming.

Within a week I had my long overdue follow up appointment.

This time I brought a support person who asked all the right questions as I was in a lot of shock and trying not to cry during the appointment. This was on 10 December 2013.

Since then I’ve had 2 follow up consultations, a blood transfusion for low platelet anemia which helped as it was taking me over 2 hours to even get out of bed every day and completed my first full cycle of low dose chemotherapy and velcade (chemo injection).

This week is my drug-free week so it’s been a bit up and down. A few days I had nausea and felt so run down then the other few I’ve felt OK. Treatment starts again 3 February.

I’ve been off work since 10 December, had to cancel my spot for RAW, cut back on going out so much, and enlisted the help of as many of the services that the Cancer Council and Myeloma Foundation can offer such as peer support, talking to nurses on the phone, and my Mother came over on 8th January until 19th on carer’s leave.

I’ve really found that talking to people openly has made the diagnosis easier to deal with.

I’ve had to write a lot of lists of questions/to-do lists and ask for help and the original Christmas and NYE I envisioned was quite a bit different to what has occurred but I’m nothing if not adaptable and luckily due to advice from my flatmate and a great staff insurance plan my employers have approved my insurance claim so I will not be working again until at least 22 April.

This is very important as this disease affects my immune system and I cannot take risks with infections or overdoing it. The day job was very mentally stressful. Fortunately I have such lovely co-workers and an understanding company. I had not even been working there a year when this happened.

A lot of friends and family and workmates have offered help wherever they can whether it be coming to treatments or other appointments or offering health or financial support or advice.

Health is the #1 priority and I firmly believe that by having a positive attitude and trusting that the universe will provide that I will get through this.

In April after a total of 4 months of treatments, I’m looking at a stem cell transplant as a cure or at least to beat the cancer into submission for as long as possible. As I’m young this is a very viable option.

The reasons I’m blogging? Well I do keep a diary but that’s more when I need to vent, write about side effects as I may need to let my specialist/myeloma nurse know in case we need to change dosages or if I have an infection it can get complicated and I’d be in hospital so the diary is handy but blogging is new to me. I have time, I like to write and am very open.

I would like to share my journey with fans of The Hot Comedian and sometimes I’ll inject humour or maybe I’ll inspire you with my positive attitude? Who knows.

I do have a rare cancer though and I’m a bit of an odd comic.

Putting the word out there. I don’t think many people have heard about Multiple Myeloma especially not someone who was diagnosed with MGUS at 26 then full Multiple Myeloma at age 34 given this disease is generally diagnosed in those over 50.

I do think I can beat this. I believe traditional treatment combined with meditation, acupuncture and the power of positive thinking will really help, well it couldn’t hurt; I’m only referring to the natural stuff! I can’t speak for the chemo and it’s long-term side effects etc but I’m sure future blogs will be funnier. This one is more informative.

Thank you for reading.

Link below for more information on What Multiple Myeloma is.

 

 

 

 

Kindred Spirits Event !

Hello my fellow woowoo friends and kindred spirits I’m happy to announce that tickets are now on sale for the Kindred Spirits event at Buddha Bowl Cafe here in Sydney !

Be quick as numbers are limited for an intimate gathering of like minded souls.

Reiki, healing, oracle cards, astrology will be there along with good vibes and great food! Book now 🔮❤️‍🩹 🙏🏻💗

Growth (Poem)

Planted alot of seeds for success

Watered and added so much love and gratitude year in year out

Pulling out the weeds of sadness hopelessness and depression over and over again

I see the plants blooming and sometimes the emotional weather and other’s dysfunctional ways damage the growth and I have had to start again

Still I try again

Maybe if I do it differently this time, water a different way, add more emotional nutrients and be open and ok with what is then I will bare receive more than I expect

The Life you Left Behind

The life you left behind, you’re standing in now. Think forward, think back, stand still, listen to your heart beat. Who you were is who you still …

The Life you Left Behind

New Business

*Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional or counselor. Opinions expressed in this post are my own based on what I’ve found helps me. Always consult a professional first*

Hi there, I hope you’re all doing as well as possible. This is my first post of 2023!

I’m not blogging as much as I used to but wanted to give you an update.

I am now offering services as a mentor to people who are in need of spiritual guidance.

Please note my services offered as a complement to any treatment you are receiving, and are not meant to replace anything. I am not a medical professional.

I would also like to put it out there to the universe that I can help with spiritual and mental health.

Contact me for a no obligation free session to see if this resonates with you!

I’m also on TikTok now. That’s my more fun light-hearted side. See link in bio for all my social media links.

In terms of my own health there have been some ups and downs, but now it’s getting a lot better and I’m choosing to believe that I am healthier than what I am. Fake it till you make it?

If you like 👍 any of my content and want to show your thanks 🙏🏻 please subscribe and consider tipping me on ko – fi

Stepping out of my comfort zone and taking risks a lot more than I used to.

I’m even going to a speed dating event for the more spiritual minded singles on April 2 here in Sydney. It will be held at my favourite cafe Buddha Bowl and I believe tickets are still available.

It’s not easy to date when you’ve had a lot of health challenges and we’ve been through pandemic and you’ve been single for a long time but the right person will be there if they’re meant to be and if not why not make some new friends?

I’m also cohosting spiritual Instagram lives every week with a cohost based in Canada. More information ℹ️ here on my IG

I’m attending a few zoom meetings a month.

One is astrological and also a new moon and full moon one.

As always, I hope that you have found some value in my blog.

Cute Duck 🦆 photo 📸 I took at Victoria Park recently as the blog image for those who love ❤️ animal therapy!

Until next time blessings to you all!